No form of discipline should ever be used just because children are crying or angry as long as they are getting their feelings out in a way that does not hurt themselves or anyone else. Discipline should be reserved only for teaching safer and more appropriate ways to behave when actions are out of control, such as being aggressive or refusing to do what is asked. So, here comes the reassuring part! Parents can set clear limits on unacceptable behavior and discipline their toddlers in a way that quickly changes that behavior without harming their children or their relationships with their children. The goal of Mindful Parenting is not to cause suffering, but to teach children how to change their own behavior, similar to how it is done in peaceful cultures. Teaching self-control also helps gain parents’ approval, which in an attached relationship is a child’s greatest motivator.
Time-Ins are used to help a child “listen inside” to monitor his behavior. Time-Ins can be initiated as soon as a toddler begins to understand cause and effect, sometime around eighteen months of age. Time-Ins keep the focus of behavior change inside the child, teaching self-control; instead of Time-Outs in which control is externally imposed by a parent or a clock determining how long the penalty will last. During Time-Ins, the child determines how long it takes to get “ready” to do what has been asked. The child is not banished to another room, but the parent stays with him patiently waiting, not chastising, but firmly inquiring whether he is ready to do as asked. Time-Ins also eliminate shame and feelings of abandonment, which usually lead to big melt-downs rather than teaching kids how to change their behavior.
When and How to Use Time-Ins
When your toddler does something unacceptable, such as throwing a banana on the floor, clearly state what you want her to do. “Pick that banana up off of the floor.” If she refuses to do it, firmly tell her that she needs to sit down wherever she is (or a previously designated spot in that room such as a chair or pillow) until she is “ready” to pick up the banana. Then, just calmly wait with her until she is ready to do that. (This approach should only be initiated when there is enough time to allow the child to become “ready,” not when you need to be racing out the door.) You may ask, “Are you ready to pick up the banana?” If she isn’t ready, then tell her to stay seated until she is ready. (Just sitting, not playing with a toy or any other distraction.) If your child should test you by saying she is ready, but then refusing to do as she was asked…just calmly, respond, “Whoops, you made a mistake. You thought you were ready, but you aren’t quite ready, yet. Go back and sit down until you are really ready.” Continue to have the child sit there until she picks up the banana.
As soon as children realize that it’s up to them to change their behavior, they learn quite quickly to be self-controlling. Within a short time, when you tell your toddler she will need to take a Time-In until ready to do what was asked, the child will often say, “Okay, I’m ready,” without even needing to sit on the “ready seat.” If this type of discipline is initiated with an older youngster, it may take up to two weeks (rarely longer) of consistently using Time-Ins until the child clearly understands and accepts that she can and must change her behavior.
